Letting Grief Breathe: When Positivity becomes a Toxic Burden

Grief is an uninvited visitor that reshapes lives. It arrives unannounced, demanding attention, patience, and space to process its weight. Yet, in a world obsessed with silver linings and "good vibes only," the natural course of grieving is often overshadowed by the pressure to stay positive. Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason,” “They’re in a better place,” or “At least you had time with them” are uttered with good intentions but often feel dismissive and invalidating. This is the quiet harm of toxic positivity—it denies grief the oxygen it needs to heal and grow into something manageable.

Toxic positivity, at its core, is the overemphasis on maintaining a cheerful outlook, even in the face of profound sadness or difficulty. While optimism can be a powerful tool for resilience, forcing positivity during grief creates a dangerous dissonance. It tells people that their pain is unwelcome, that their tears are a sign of weakness, and that their feelings need to be sanitized into something more palatable for others. This can leave individuals grappling not just with their loss but also with guilt for not grieving “the right way.”

The cultural obsession with positivity often stems from discomfort with vulnerability. Sadness and grief are seen as problems to fix rather than emotions to feel. This discomfort manifests in the way society rushes people through their grief. From being told to “move on” to encountering people who visibly shrink at displays of sorrow, grievers are constantly reminded that their emotions make others uneasy. The result? People suppress their pain, wear masks of composure, and deny themselves the full experience of their loss.

For those grieving, the weight of this pressure can be crushing. Imagine wrestling with heartbreak only to be told to focus on the bright side. The mismatch between internal turmoil and external expectations can breed feelings of isolation and inadequacy. It’s not uncommon for grievers to withdraw, feeling misunderstood and unsupported, all because the world around them demands resilience over reality.

But the truth is, grief is not linear or tidy. It’s messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal. Forcing a timeline on healing or a narrative of positivity does nothing but stifle its natural progression. It also ignores the fact that grief often exists alongside other emotions—gratitude, hope, love, and even joy. The presence of one doesn’t negate the other, and allowing this complexity to unfold can be far more healing than artificially narrowing emotions to a singular, sunny disposition.

Breaking free from the grip of toxic positivity means creating spaces where grief is not just tolerated but honoured. It means sitting with someone’s pain without rushing to offer solutions or platitudes. It’s about allowing people to cry, rage, or express their sorrow in ways that feel authentic to them. It’s also about recognizing that it’s okay to not know what to say. Sometimes, the most powerful gesture is simply being there, holding space, and saying, “I’m here for you.”

On a personal level, those grieving can reclaim their experience by rejecting the notion that they need to perform their pain in socially acceptable ways. This might mean setting boundaries with well-meaning but intrusive friends, finding a supportive therapist, or seeking out grief communities where vulnerability is met with compassion. It also means embracing the ebb and flow of emotions without judgment—crying when tears come, laughing when joy sneaks in, and allowing memories to surface without trying to control their impact.

Grief is a testament to love and connection; it’s not something to be tidied up or hurried through. By resisting the pull of toxic positivity, we honor both the depth of our losses and the resilience of our hearts. In doing so, we create a world where grief is no longer an inconvenience to manage but a shared human experience to navigate together.

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Written by: Vedica Podar

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April, 2025